The less proud sides of my Psychology 1st side I discovered at 12 it was suggested I had Aspergers by a teacher (never any professional closure) during my early school years. The thought of being perceived as socially dysfunctional and ‘different’ was horrifying to how I previously was/identified myself, which was just a cool, normal kid that had ample friendships. I was constantly battling my identity, which caused me to worry about my friendships being in jeopardy and the undisclosed idea I had about myself becoming real. This whole premonition I had about myself caused me to develop GAD, anger, social anxiety, and OCD (intrusive thought like anxiety) since constantly reflecting on something undisclosed is somewhat OCD in nature. I had a lot of anger with my family because I associated them with the core root of the problem. I was causing myself anger constantly reflecting on the undisclosed suggestion, it would affect how I interacted with my family, and they would reinforce it by insinuating it was true whenever I acted out of anger because of it, which would worsen my anger and relationship towards them! How ******* absurd! I couldn’t help but feel like they were an ignorant bunch of vermin that thought I was angry for no reason or because the suggestion was true! I never even wanted to explain my anger to them, because I didn’t even want to associate something so unidentifiable with myself… even if that meant just talking about it! It was like this undisclosed suggestion was a self-fulfilling prophecy which caused it to be true, when I was sure it wasn’t true (or at least wanted to be sure it wasn’t). Other reasons for anger towards my family is they, well at least mainly my Mum and brother, would tell other people that I am misunderstood/confusing/weird/angry/reserved because the suggestion was true! In fact, my Mum told my brother and that destroyed our relationship because whenever we had a small argument, it would blow up into a huge one, because he would start using the suggestion as an insult (acting like it was real!) whenever I had an anger induced argument with him. In fact, I would even see some of my Mum’s messages on her phone and messages to my grandmother about how I had behavioural problems because the suggestion was true (even though it was never proven it was!!). Can you imagine how ******* insane I thought I was going!? I somewhat had attachment problems with my Mum as the anxiety that was caused by this made me rely on my Mum, since it was a lot to take in for a young adolescent. The attachment problems I had with my mum caused me to be guided by her in terms of work ethic to education, not hanging with ‘bad’ people and not taking drugs (including a lot of other things), since this would alleviate associated anxiety making me feel pure. This didn’t really work as I ended having kind of unstable friendship groups and not really experiencing many parties or connection with girls. I even went as far as being a really committed meditator to enhance feeling pure and anxiety free… not that it really solved the core root of the problem… I found out much later (late 2010’s) by a Reiki practitioner that I was dropped on the head from an early age, which is what I’m suspecting caused the suggestion that I possibly had Aspergers. The practitioner even went onto say that the left and right side of my brain weren’t connecting properly and that she had fixed it. This whole avoidant behaviour outlined, I suspect, caused a degree of attachment problems and lack of awareness to everyday stuff, causing or reinforcing some of the stuff below Failing driving test, a number of times (because I believed my mum that I did not need lessons after driving with her) Having BDD (Body dysmorphic disorder) Seizure from heat exhaustion Breaking leg skateboarding No long-term proper job Still a virgin Imposter syndrome Unstable friendship circles Abandoning friendship groups Being kicked out of home in year 12 The part of this list that is me is BDD. I remember before I was 12 being uptight about blemishes on my face and worrying that it would degrade my looks to the opposite sex. This was accentuated by having the suggestion as it meant I was further hesitant to mingle with girls on top of having BDD. Most definitely why I am still a virgin. I got kicked out of home in year 12 as my brother used the suggestion as an insult and I poured a cup of tea onto his head and roughed him up a bit. My parents kicked me out of home because of this and I stayed in a hostel for like 6 weeks, getting myself to school etc by bus at 17 years old. Imposter syndrome became a big problem because when I finished school, I was a free spirit. I could let go of all the contradictory, negative self-beliefs I had about myself during school years, and just take my skateboarding skills to a whole new level. I forced myself to become a great skateboarder because that aligned with the idea of who I really was; this cool, chilled out skater that everyone wanted to be. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see this socially dysfunctional geek/misfit, I saw a cool and handsome guy, who skated very well on a skateboard just like all the professionals I would look up to. 2nd side Intrusive thoughts (enrolled in BSc (Honours) believing it makes me negligent not having things exact i.e., just BSc), try to escape the thought of me being negligent which causes nightmare inducing beliefs i.e., believing that by being so consumed by the intrusive thought it can cause negligence/inattention and all subsequent bitter experiences (self-blame and self-guilt). Inescapable belief that intrusive thought is dangerous without anyway of proving it’s not… or anyway of proving the correlation between it and the bitter experiences > anxiety reinforced. Anxiety reinforced because of belief that I’m causing myself unavoidable bitter experiences due to inattention and negligence. Cycle repeats. All highlighted below are experiences that I’m unsure whether they have been caused by this intrusive thought > no answers therefore anxiety reinforced. Car rolls into water destroyed with all property Dislocated ankle from skateboarding Lost license from being over the limit (relying on cheap breathalyser as BAC indicator) Stuff stolen from vehicle after leaving it on the side of the road, after getting random breath check, with friend who did not have my car keys. Being on a pension Failed 5 units Struggles with internal uni assessments Fines! Going to court Losing **** Being on a pension all happened after my parents took my keys one night when I only had one cider while watching a game of rugby with my dad. I told them I planned on going out to bars/clubs and they took my car keys and hid them that night when I wasn’t aware. I went upstairs to where they were sleeping to ask for them back and they would not give them back. I was 21 years old at the time. I ended up getting angry with them after they would not give my keys back and my dad came out of his room and started charging at me down the staircase. This response really triggered my flight of flight, so when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I picked up a knife and said, “come at me again and see what happens”. They ended up calling the police and filming me while they waited for them to come which further antagonised me so they could get ‘legitimate’ evidence for the police. Anyway, cut a long story short, the police forced me to leave the house for the night with nothing but a car. They said I cannot return for 24 hours. They said if I return to the street in the 24-hour mark, they will arrest me. I returned to the end of the street not knowing where to go or sleep, parked my car, and started walking to where they were waiting… hoping to gain some assistance to what I was supposed to do… clearly not posing any obvious breach of their ridiculous order. Unknowingly they arrested me, took me back to the station, given a ******** fine and then dropped back off at my car near my parent’s… waiting for my court appearance. My parents would not let me come back home and coerced me to go on a pension and stay in this random rental, then uni accommodation, to this rental I am in now which is not far from my parent’s house. I failed my first unit, chemistry 1A, in university because it was extremely difficult and nothing like high school chemistry. Second year (first semester) I was convinced I did not want to do chemistry, however my mum and the head of the school of science reassured me that chemistry was very integral to keep job opportunities open. After some very careful consideration and lots of hesitation, I re enrolled in chemistry after receiving this pressure from my mum and the head of science, thinking I would be more familiar with it as a second-year student. This semester was particularly hard as Chemistry was not much easier, but I trusted myself to study hard and do well after the census date. This was not the case. This unit was just as hard second time around and brought me a lot of anxiety (due to fears of not passing) and affected my overall exam performance. I ended up having to remove 3 results from my academic transcript from this semester, due to the unhelpful pressure this unit gave me. I did not pass one other unit, some third-year ecology unit, presumably because the marker was extremely harsh and I just find scientific reports overwhelming in general… I always got really overwhelmed with use of references and how to effectively use them. I am now 23 years old, finished my Bachelor of science (Ecology) degree and trying my best. I have never been able to reconcile with the first side of my psychology with anyone in person, so I thought this would be the best option.
Posted by Georgeharrington123 at 2022-10-23 08:34:11 UTC