Hi everyone, Mya here. I need to address something very important... I have really high defense mode, but it really only seems to be that way with my parents. I just had a little talk with them because I was confused about my new work schedule that I had. I feel angry at myself because I usually don't communicate that I don't wish for advice, and I get angry at myself because I feel like I forget to add that sort of stuff. It results in confusion such as "I need to tall about this" then BOOM, shields up. I get so angry at myself because I feel like I'm being a jerk to them. At the same time, I don't want to let go of this because I feel like I'm taking all of my power away. I've been in a good number of instances where I didn't feel understood or like I could speak my truth in my youth. It was always "well Mya, you have to understand", or it felt like no one truly cared about being my friend, or that I was the only one that needed a lot of clarification on something, or it was just constantly feeling like a baby because of all of the old therapies I went to that had wonderful people, however, the cirriculums did NOT nourish me, rather, they made me feel quite inferior. I kept on thinking that J could never stand up for myself, and I grew to obtain a large hunger to be right because I thought that my parents always knew what to do and I was just clueless on a lot of things and expected THEM to cushion me and "protect" me, when in reality they're just trying to support me and offer another set of eyes. There are times where I can REEEAAALLYYY doubt myself, TRUST myself. I usually forget one super tiny step to something that even though its small, it's almost ALWAYS crucial to whatever I'm working on/addressing. I know that there's a lot of you who have experienced or know someone who's experienced this sort of thing, this defense. It's not every daughter/son/non-binary offspring that has parents like I do. They are so willing for me to be independent and they are open and understanding to everything. So I also can't help but feel bad continuously making them the "bad guy" when they're not. But really I'm just afraid to be vulnerable because I just feel like they're going to be right about everything again. I kind of don't know why I have this feeling, because NO ONE is right all the time. This is a very vulnerable topic for me personally, and I know I haven't been super active yet, but I thought this would be one of the most perfect places to reach out on about this. Thanks for hearing me out, I know it's a long thing of text, but I thought this would be the best time and place to share it💛💛

Posted by ☆Mya Syphrit☆ at 2022-10-08 02:49:43 UTC