My question that we didn’t quite get to on today’s call — When my son (10) gets escalated, everything I have read tells me his thinking brain is offline, he cannot use the logic problem solving part of his brain and we must first calm, then problem solve together. My son maintains this is wrong. He says he cannot calm until we have resolved the issue in question. This leads to a feedback loop between the two of us that is super unproductive and negative. (I insist we calm together first, he insists we must resolve first before calm, and round and round it goes). Generally he is very self aware and very articulate and I try to listen when he tells me what does and does not work for him. However, on this, he has also made comments about how he “has” to whine/wail/scream to get what he wants from me. Also noteworthy - when j do what he wants and resolve during the escalation with him, he generally is able to calm *very* quickly. Like it can look like he has just switched it off sometimes. I truly do not believe he has bad intentions, but when I hear comments like that and i see him recover and stop those behaviors so quickly, it does make me worried that if I do what he is asking - if I engage in problem solving/resolution while he is escalated, I am teaching him that this is how conflict resolution looks and that is a really bad set up for his future relationships. (Also it makes our current situation not great.) Am I applying parenting strategies that are not appropriate for his neurology? Or should I stay the course and insist on Coregulating down together before engaging in resolution talks? Thank you!!

Posted by danielle.s.campbell at 2022-02-10 22:06:06 UTC