Spent my first conscious minutes processing a rejection I got in 9th grade from one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever met. We met at a football game after a bunch of my classmates egged me on to talk to her and we talked for a bit, but I choked up and after that, this other guy swooped in and she was feeling up on him immediately. Fast forward 3 months. Me and the girl have the same English class. On Valentine’s Day, I ask her out, she says no, but I’m so proud I had the guts to do it I brag to everyone that she said “yes”. The following day, the girl confronts me about it crying & stuff & whenever I try to apologize she begs me to leave her alone. A couple of months later, I whisper a joke in class about having sex in a parking lot that gets back around to her, and she ends up telling the Vice-Principal, who bans me from talking to her for the rest of high school. Because of this, my parents threatened to have me transferred to a different high school every 2 months (thankfully, they didn’t follow through). Also processed a bunch of girls calling me a creep and telling me to go kill myself. I can’t help but think that stuff wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have Asperger’s and looked better than I did at the time. I know it’s been 13 years and everyone would tell me I should be long over it and it’s all my fault, but it hurts. I can’t help but think a lot of the time about what could’ve been had I been able to find acceptance & love for who I was at the time & had I been able to be open about my feelings to people without being shamed for them & told to ignore them in favour of getting good grades/staying out of trouble. Because even that bad shit I did was an acting job to try to “fit in with the cool kids” after getting bullied by being called “gay” for most of my childhood (which I’m not, btw). I just wish i grew up in an emotionally safe environment. I just wish I could have been one of those cool guys that girls wanted and guys wanted to be while being myself. Why do other guys get away with that stuff but not me?! 🥺😓 I know I can’t change it, but I goddamn wish I could

Posted by marcopolo_96 at 2024-07-07 15:37:38 UTC