I’ve noticed how dumb I actually am lately. I’m slow to pick up on the right thing to say in a conversation, and I can’t make myself do the things I actually want to do for my own long-term happiness. I was lucky to have a couple of good hours today where I at least functioned well enough to walk outside, call my eye doctor for replacement contact lenses, shop for a new contact lens bag with my dad, and even do some laundry, but after that I just reverted to lying in bed & playing video games until my first yawn of the night, at which point I started writing and playing video games and doing the laundry again. This extends to all my other pursuits in life: while I went to university & got my finance degree, I didn’t get the best grades there; I’ve always had trouble landing jobs, I’ve been laughed at during work meetings; I miss a lot of conversation/observation cues that to others are obvious & they get frustrated with me because of it (especially my dad), I’ve been chewed out a lot for “lack of awareness” or “ lack of consideration for others”, I often misunderstand what others are telling me to do unless it’s fully and clearly explained to me in the moment, and I don’t pick up on things as quickly as others do, usually finding I have to study them beforehand whereas they just do them and get them right effortlessly the first time. My motor skills have also always sucked; while I did play sports, I wasn’t able to learn the movements as efficiently as others growing up, be it in taekwondo class, gym class, or even my sports teams (up until 2 years ago, I was practically shooting basketballs two-handed, and to this day, sometimes I still do, when you’re supposed to shoot them one-handed; I couldn’t throw a consistent spiral on a football until I was 24, years after my high school football career ended). It took me 2-3 tries to pass each of my driving tests when most of my peers passed them all the first time. I was good at piano, but didn’t take practicing seriously because of the stress that came with it, and barely passed my piano exams once I started getting to higher levels. Part of it might have been self-sabotage due to a fear of being bullied for being the “nerdy, smart kid” (ironic because I started getting bullied AFTER I started consciously acting dumber to try to fit in with the “cool kids”). Part of it might have been being pushed extremely hard and being under a lot of pressure for decades while suffering very high levels of both nervous system & emotional dysregulation. Part of my feelings might be my perfectionistic nature. I don’t know if I’ve always been this dumb or I’ve been getting dumber lately. I’ve been officially diagnosed with high-functioning autism, GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), and ADHD. EDIT: After reflecting on the fact that I’ve been able to come up with effective strategies to make training & developing my fighter in UFC Undisputed 2010 more efficient (namely sparring the week after every fight, and only that week, to eliminate the need for rest weeks during my in-game fighter’s training periods), I now believe I’m not dumb, as that shows I have the ability to assess a situation and come to my own effective conclusion.

Posted by marcopolo_96 at 2024-07-07 05:26:59 UTC