I don't really know what to say. I'm 21 and I can't say I have many happy memories. I'd say most of them revolve around me feeling shunned from friends and family. My family tells me this isn't the case, and that I'm the one who isolates from them, which is partially true, but I do it only because I feel like they'll scold me or give me dirty looks. It feels like I can't even comprehend my own reality most of the time. People at work and school seem to be friendly to me at first but then start to hate me, and I really don't know why. because of this, I have anger issues and severe depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. I was in the psych ward in October for planning to kill myself. I have no reason to stay alive. Even when I try to think of something, there really is nothing. My life is utterly meaningless and I thoroughly believe everyone would live better lives if I just was never a part of it. I've hurt myself, people, and animals and I feel like I'm losing control. I hate the part of me that hurts living things more than anything. I feel like I lose control of my body and mind when it happens. My mom said I should try Asperger experts again to help with my social skills, so I'm just ranting here. I don't find much pleasure in life and every day feels like a new set of things to destroy me. Read this or not, comment or not, I don't give a f@ck. Maybe it'll make me feel heard temporarily if someone were to comment, but I feel as if it would satisfy me the same way a piece of candy with no nutritional value would. I'm sorry I'm such a downer, I promise I can be goofy and sweet when the time is right, or if I'm violently drunk or high.

Posted by Charles Trapp at 2024-05-26 00:47:26 UTC