Yesterday I had a senior dinner with an organization that is like an enrichment program outside of school, basically allowing you to further learning during summer or other times outside of school (I was one of the few that had to have individual classes because I got so ahead even for that program, so they know me pretty well.) One of the teachers there, that actually loved teaching there so much (they employ education majors from colleges or former students to be teachers) actually went to teach at the district and got teacher of the year within the district. He gave a speech and something he said really resonated with me: He would never go to school celebrations/events. We have an academic sweatshirt event that they give sweatshirts to people with high GPAs. He didn't even want to go to that. He didn't tell his parents and the school finally called all parents 2 days before the event and his mom came up and asked him if he wanted to tell her about the ceremony. He played dumb and pretended as though he knew nothing about it. By this, he made his mom cry. He summed this story up by saying that he didn't feel he needed to be celebrated so he didn't let others celebrate him. He said that you are special and you deserve to be celebrated. I identified so much with his story. I didn't want to go to my college graduation because: A) I felt it was pointless. B) I was going to have another, bigger, college graduation in a year anyways. C) My high school graduation is in 2 weeks. D) I graduated high school and college in December, why should I randomly show up in May??? E) Sensory overwhelm.... heavily (I was right about this one... I was pretty much exhausted and my social battery didn't exist the day after.) F) I was bullied severely at my high school and had no friends in my grade level. All of them were already graduated because I was that far ahead. I hated everyone at my high school and never wanted to see them again. I was forced to go to my graduation. I kept telling my mom my reasons and she would yell at me and even forced me to drive myself the 0.5 miles back home while she walked because she got so mad at me. I was so upset by what she had said previously that I was being forced to drive not being able to see because I was crying so much. I was on the phone with my unofficial "adopted" grandmother and got a call from my mom. She yelled at me and said to get home immediately, I told her that I was coming but... and she hung up on me. She parked the car at a local fast food restaurant. I had to completely readjust the seat and couldn't even get in until I pushed the seat back (I'm close to 6 ft while she is 5ft). It took and easy 2-3 minutes just to adjust the settings for me to be able to drive. Getting out of this parking lot is a NIGHTMARE. It takes easily 5 minutes just to even get clearance to pull out on the main road and even then after getting clearance you are regularly blocked in. My mom didn't even arrive at home for another 10 minutes after calling and yelling at me. Anyways, got off topic there. I found out that she wanted to go to my graduation because she had never been to a college graduation (she didn't tell me that, I had to find that out myself). Instead of crying she yelled at me. My mom did something very similar because she forced me to go to prom, homecoming, decision day, and senior banquet. All of which I was not supposed to go to and my mom snuck behind my back and sent emails begging me to come but she wrote them as if they were from me, embarassing me even more... What if I have good reasons to not go to a celebration? What if it is normal for me and I want to have a private celebration??? I actually find by my mom forcing me to go to these things I actually find myself thinking I don't need to be celebrated even more. This compounded with CPTSD and childhood trauma from my family literally makes me feel not worthy. This feels normal to graduate college before high school. It feels normal to graduate early. I've literally done nothing but my bare minimum. Admittedly, that isn't the bare minimum for most, but I got through school without even trying. I begged to get ahead because I was so bored. I don't feel I need to be celebrated when I haven't even tried... I honestly don't know at this point. Is my brain wrong about this? I've tried tactics I got from a previous post but I still have yet to feel proud about myself for this. I only feel proud for recognizing that my mom may be toxic for me and may be harming me further. I also feel proud for learning some basic skills that I have never been able to do before. But for this and academics? No, I have not done anything that matches my true potential yet. I haven't really been allowed to go to my full potential.

Posted by Annoymous1 at 2024-05-20 02:59:40 UTC