I am dysregulated as heck. I’ve been going to sleep extremely late, sleeping 5-6 hours a night, pacing and talking to myself and maladaptive daydreaming are back in full force, and sometimes I’m unaware of my physical needs and/or don’t take care of them immediately just to further progress on The Sims. Furthermore, my mom is going through insane work stress and insane stress planning with her huge Indian family for her birthday which is coming up at the end of July. I just heard her on the phone complaining to her twin sister that she doesn’t want a birthday party because we literally can’t afford it (my extended family is comfortably well-off, if not lower-level rich, and loves to act like we are too). I overheard her complaining that “the boys” (me and my brother) just “do our own shit and don’t care to find a job and when we die they’ll be out on the street.” LOL if only my mom knew. It is LITERALLY impossible to find a job… I’ve been trying for over a year ever since a Big 4 accounting firm fired me… even low-level minimum-wage stuff is all taken by 1.2 million immigrants they’re importing into my country (Canada) every year who only hire other FOB immigrants from literally their own village. The real estate market is entirely owned by foreign investors, boomers who were here since the 80’s, and those my age who have real estate came from multimillionaire parents. Whenever I tell my mom this she’s just like “look harder”, even though I apply to MULTIPLE jobs a day, and “look for government jobs” when there are NONE POSTED THAT FIT MY SKILLSET. Plus, with my level of dysregulation, it’d be practically impossible for me to keep a job, and the jobs that would be able to keep the lifestyle we have going now are practically impossible for me to get at this point in time. Because of this, and numerous other factors including my lack of luck with women, my lack of friends, etc., my parents don’t know this, and never will, but I’m planning on killing myself after they die because I know dang well that I’ll be homeless because of the way the inflation-to-wages ratio already is and is growing to be. Every job has thousands of applications, mostly from resume farms (IYKYK) that always match the perfect keywords, nobody is hiring. I don’t think I can start a business because if I couldn’t get people to be my friend or date me, I don’t think I can convince them to buy anything I’m selling. To be honest, I’ve been suicidally depressed for the majority of the last 15 years (ever since bullying in 7th grade practically ruined my life). I’d kill myself now, but I have some things I want to do before I go through with it, and on top of that, I have to make sure I succeed. The last thing I want is to survive a suicide attempt and end up with even less freedom than I already have and documented in my country’s medical system as a case. Any way I try to deal with these feelings is shunned by literally everyone. I tried talking to my parents and my mom told me “we’ll be laughing while you’re burning in hell.” My peers are like “bro chill out”, and I can’t talk to them fully about the way I feel about certain things because of political polarization/not knowing how crazy certain people are (spoiler alert: I HATE the woke dictatorship that the West has become, but I also don’t want to go back to the 1930’s like the people on the other side do because I’m multiracial AND autistic). It seems like my only choices are the woke dictatorship, 1930’s Germany, Sharia Law, or 3rd world totalitarianism, and I can’t win in ANY of those. I tried to write a fanfiction that is subtly about the way I feel about this situation, and while I did get love for it, I also got massive hate and accusations of being a psychopath. I’ll probably never date a woman, never have a solid group of friends, never have a job… I’m doomed to this stunted level of growth where I’m living with parents who resent me & a brother who won’t talk to me, alternating between extreme dysregulation and barely surviving. And that’s why I’m probably going to kill myself once I finish what I need to do: namely, finishing that hated fanfic just so I don’t give those haters the satisfaction of having silenced me.

Posted by marcopolo_96 at 2024-05-17 18:04:15 UTC