So, it’s been 9 days since I stopped using my phone on the toilet. While I did notice myself being faster in and out of the toilet, a bad side effect was that I felt a lot of stuff coming up that I otherwise had suppressed up until this past week. I got back into freeze mode, my sleep started getting messed up again, my dysregulated habits started coming back (talking to myself out loud), I stayed in bed most of the day for multiple days in a row, & I barely survived the bare minimums of my to-dos. So I ended up having to re-watch the Physiological Guide to Defense Mode and another video I like on YouTube called, “You’re Not Lazy, You’re Stuck in Freeze” this morning, and I found that after watching them, I was able to function at the level I was at when I was neurologically regulated, despite waking up with a 6.3 HRV. I think this is what messes me up: when I feel good (I.e. below average HRV compared to that of an average neurotypical instead of horrendous) for any substantial period of time, I try to change too much thinking it will only get better from here & the side effects of the changes I try to make catch me off guard every time. I think it’s also that I have a lot of baggage that I didn’t let my mind properly process, instead consciously dwelling on it, so whenever I get more capacity those things come up & come back. On occasion I even visibly cringe at memories of past mistakes I made & I start hyperventilating in anxiety. That’s going to be the challenge going forward: processing all that extra gunk/stuff. I’m not exactly sure about getting a therapist, even if it’s a somatic one. because the ones my brother and I have seen have been a literal money pit that have done absolutely nothing for either of us. I have hope for somatic therapy, but I’m getting dysregulated thinking about telling my parents that I’m doing it (even though I have my own car, control of my finances, etc.) because of the argument that’ll arise. And yes, I’ve shown my dad the dysregulation videos and he doesn’t believe them because to him, polyvagal theory is just a theory that has not been confirmed yet. Plus, what if the somatic therapist I see ends up being garbage as well and ends up making things worse? Historically, anything I’ve tried to do on my own to fix things I didn’t like ended up making them worse.

Posted by marcopolo_96 at 2024-04-25 03:03:11 UTC