My theme today is Routine Routines have always been tough for me. I know I need them. I've always wanted to develop healthy ones. Behavioral loops, performed in sequence, achieving a desired end. Consciously I get it. Logically it aligns. I innately gravitate toward structure and order. Stall the running down of entropy in my life. It makes sense. But how do I do it? How do I start? I discovered the answer pretty early on in childhood, unfortunately I didn't possess a robust enough toolkit, because I was just a kid. The answer: be your own parent. The problem: I had undiagnosed ADHD, which made even the simplest automatic everyday tasks seem impossible...small hills appeared as insurmountable Alpine peaks through my eyes. *Take a shower. *Brush your teeth. *Brush your hair. *Put on deodorant. *Put on clean clothes. *Put on appropriate footwear. Those tasks seem straightforward. For most people, they're as simple as it gets. In my life, these are mountains. Why is it so hard for me? What is there to misinterpret? What could "Put on deodorant" possibly mean otherwise? Well my friend, "put on deodorant" firstly requires my body to be positioned in the correct place in space and time. There is physics, philosophy, mystic spiritualism...involved in applying deodorant to my underarms. I brush my teeth in the shower, so I need to take a shower first. "Towel...towel....." ".......Towel. Where's my towel? I know for a FACT I hung it up yesterday. Where is it? Did someone move it? Why would somebody move my towel? Who moves a towel? That is MY towel. Ok I guess I gotta look for it. Maybe it's in the upstairs bathroom and I just forgot I brought it up there??? Oh wow the Meat Puppets just released a new album of classic campfire songs, I'm gonnathrow that on while I look. Hmmm ya know what, I need more paper towels, I'm just gonna grab a roll real quick while I'm upstairs. Man the rooms are getting really messy up here. Ok towel. Towel. No towel. Where's my towel?" And then time flashes forward, it's 6 hours later, I'm randomly standing in a liminal space like a hallway, the glow from my phone screen illuminating my face as I read the Wikipedia page for Hydraulic Fluid. How did I get here? I have no idea. I still haven't showered, or put on deodorant, or brushed my teeth, or my hair, and I'm wearing yesterday's clothes that I picked up off the floor and put back on. I've been fighting. It's been one of the greatest battles of my life. I've been making imperceptibly small improvements in microscopic increments since 2016. And I've been improving while fighting against myself, in spite of myself. I applaud myself for my hard work and ceaseless dedication. Because my reality is one of profound ADHD, and only in the past month has this been revealed to me. Learning the truth surrounding the narure of your reality is the most empowering thing imaginable. I finally have a name for This Thing. This Thing keeping me from being exactly who I strive and desire to be. ADHD. I needed pharmaceutical intervention. I needed help. If you notice anybody struggling in your life: please love and support them. Supporting someone doesn't mean just saying the words "I support you." If that were the case, I guess I shall declaim to be "President of the whole world, including France." Did it happen? Am I President of everything (including France)? No. Very fortunately for all of us, I am not. Support is action. Action can absolutely take the form of words. But action is key. Show with your actions, don't just speak the words. So now that I am empowered with fresh Knowledge Of Self, I am working NEW steps. The first step was to arrange a vitally necessary and criminally overdue Adderall prescription for myself. Next, I downloaded Goblin Tools, and began abiding by a morning routine which I developed for my own, unique self.
Posted by michaelpaulwilliams at 2023-10-09 19:35:53 UTC