Hi 👋 I've had a formal diagnosis of Asperger's since I was 6 (this was about 13 years ago). I understand the road to acceptance is different for everyone, but each day prior and since, I've hated myself for it. Hate is a strong word but it describes exactly I feel towards that trait. The diagnosis itself is not the bothersome part. It's the way my brain is wired, way I see the world and how I cope with "easy" situlations that bothers me. I'm not sure if I will ever reach the stage of acceptance. For general information: I am 19, male and I've lived alone since I was 17. I was taken out of school at 7 because I was "too advanced", homeschooled myself and went college at 14 (I am UK based so this would usually be 16). I often forget basic needs like food or water and can go days neglecting my needs until someone reminds me (usually someone at work). I am lonely thanks to being self-schooled and being unable to socialise very well. I attempt to satisfy my social needs but whenever I recieve kindness, I wonder if it's secretly pity. Especially when there is no effort on their part when I continuously initiate activities or conversations. Feeling overwhelmed is a common occurance and I'm never the one to notice it first. I never seem to know what I'm feeling or why and it leads me into a spiral. This is on top of short-term memory issues. I rarely allow myself to stim outside of my home because of previous negative experiences and connotations. This often leads to me being exhausted extremely easily, then others around me tend to notice and try to help. I always seem to convience myself others won't ever know I'm autistic despite being told it's obvious... I never mean to sound horrible but I just don't want help. I want it to be ignored until I can deal with it and fix it on my own. Maybe that's my prideful upbringing of being raised with "men don't show emotions" but it's the only way I can describe the thought process in a reasonable way. I'm not looking for affirmations or help here, I simply wish to know if I am alone in this. I can't help but wonder if there's someone else in a similar situation or have previously experienced it. I am neutral to providing further details if required. Thank you for reading.
Posted by g5c at 2023-08-27 01:51:03 UTC