Hello, everyone. I'm 18, on the Asperger's spectrum, diagnosed with ADD, and stuck in a bad cycle. I've been in Defence Mode for almost a decade. Thankfully, I have wonderful friends who take my Aspie antics with a grain of salt and are supportive, gentle, and understanding - to the best of their ability. I do have two refuges from the craziness of daily life - my home, specifically my room, and the equine therapy barn where I work part-time. The horses at the barn are like a second family; their presence is stable and comforting. I've recently identified problems with life that I'm just not willing (or motivated) to change. I find that I have anger management issues, moderately problematic anticipatory anxiety and random panic attacks, and problems with trust (whether it's myself or other people). I have also found that I get extremely jealous of people who can operate better than myself*. I also attend church, and although I know I'm supposed to be spiritually involved (and part of me wants to be), I cannot bring myself to take the 'leap of faith' everyone says is a part of spirituality. *the person in question here is, in fact, my little brother. Sometimes I have a deep loathing for how well he reads people. He's emotionally well-tuned and is usually quite remorseful for things he has done. He also has a deep, innate desire to develop spiritually (I mean, this child listens to SERMONS while he cleans his room. Sermons!). Boy, does he make me frustrated sometimes! I don't know WHAT to do any more.
Posted by Hannah J (Anahera A) at 2023-01-06 17:36:54 UTC