I feel my high functioning ASD is a curse. My wife keeps telling me that it is a gift because I can do things that neurotypical people may find hard. The truth is that I’d do anything to get rid of it, gift and all, and just blend in with everybody else. I’m tired of all the disgusted looks, of all those calling me weird or worse. I am not a believer in any way, but I can’t shake away from my mind the picture of God pointing his finger in my direction as a newborn baby and saying: “there, you be cursed for the rest of your life”. Every course, every kind of help I found always stresses the ways we can act “normal”. The truth is that I just can’t, I am not good enough at it. It feels unnatural, and it costs me too much in terms of energy, leaving me always drained. I can’t keep a full-time job because after a while my head gets filled up with static like an old tv set. I get panic attacks and I randomly start crying because of this situation and ideas that I get. I just wish I’d never been born, as dying now would leave too many loose ends and would inconvenience too many people. I have a 3-year-old son. My wife keeps telling me that he is empathic and communicative with others. However, when I watched him get scared of the noise coming from the vacuum, I couldn’t help but wonder: since ASD can be hereditary, have I cursed him too for my selfishness to have a baby?
Posted by giogo_00quando at 2022-11-16 04:52:39 UTC