I’m trying to decompress and take it easy now after traveling with my parents to the Green Mountains in Vermont for my mother’s 60th birthday celebration. I feel so exhausted and mentally as well as emotional drained and I kind of wish I was upstairs with everyone else, hanging out and drinking and chatting and whatnot. Actually, y’know what, f—— it, I shall do that as soon as I’m done with this post. Anyhoo, yeah today was rough for me, so many less-than-ideal situations and using so many of my spoons to make it through the day. I think right now I’m on auxiliary power to stay awake, be a little interactive with others and not shut down entirely before my sister and her fiancé arrive. I woke up this morning still wishing i could sleep a little longer. Then as I was having breakfast, my day said that we’re leaving at 11:30 to head out to Vermont and that I should get moving as soon as possible to pack everything and get ready. I said “I’ll do my best”. Because that’s all I can do, right? I don’t think that’s a bad or lazy or selfish answer. Unfortunately my dad didn’t agree; to be fair, he has anxiety problems about arriving on time or getting to travel destinations as early as possible to avoid delays. If we as a family are ever at all late or don’t have a lot of time to chill out when we get there or we get stuck in traffic, he becomes super stressed out and upset. I can genuinely relate to that. At the same time, however, I don’t like being rushed. I. Really. F——ing. Don’t. Why? Because when I rush, that’s when I make mistskes. That’s when I forget things. That’s when I miss important instructions. That’s when I overlook crucial details. That’s when I’m extremely anxious and not very productive. When I’m rushed. So I was a little ticked when he said “You’d BETTER, be ready by 11:30, Tim! Mom really wants to get there by 3:30! This is her birthday celebration!” I was being pushed into defense mode, so I banged the kitchen counter table and responded “My best is all you’ll get. Period.” Finally he backed off a little and adjusted his tone to try and be a little more gentle and understanding. Yet he still gave me a strong indication that he’d be very unhappy if I wasn’t ready by 11:30. Dear world, if you want me to stop being so anxious, stop putting pressure on me or expecting me to do things that make me uncomfortable with absolute ease. Sound like a deal? No? Well fuck you too then. Ok I’m done, I can’t anymore right now. I’m tired of rambling and ranting and going on and on and on. I don’t want to delete anything I said because I find it important to get off my chest. There is more to the story of why I’m so exhausted and drained and a little frustrated right now, but I think this is a good time for me to stop, take a break from my phone and join my family to have some chili with them. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll feel much more relaxed and chill, yet also interactive, fun and not shut down or grumpy or non-social at all. I’m trying my best. I just want to help mom have an awesome 60th birthday celebration. I just want to make her and everyone else happy. If only that were as easy for me as it apparently is for everyone else.

Posted by FairWarning at 2022-10-29 00:24:16 UTC